So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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