As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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