I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
