So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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