Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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