We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
