I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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