apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize