Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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