his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
