My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
