It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
