I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
