So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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