hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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