i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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