Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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