mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Text me some of your sweat
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
