No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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