i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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