cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
