you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
