Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
