is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
