Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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