her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
