who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
