I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
