i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
