Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize