that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
