Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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