if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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