So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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