this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
