my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
