The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize