Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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