My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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