Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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