I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
