hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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