i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
