I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
