I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
did i just pee glitter
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
