I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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