So drunk, too bad you don't want this
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
