Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize