If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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