You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
