ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
