hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
