We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
