I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
