There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
