You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
