totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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