i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
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