I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize