Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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